Sin and Conflicts Resolution

Sin ruins life completely or ruins the slice of life invaded by a particular sin. Sin is a fact of our world. Sin dwells in our community and in our church and in each person -- neighbors, friends, family members, Christians, pagans, you, me. Always attractive, sin is terribly ugly, terribly destructive. “The wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). The first taste of a sin is enjoyable as is the second and third, especially of a sin to which one is predisposed. We each have “besetting sins” (Hebrews 12:1) which we excuse or coddle. Eventually sin ruins life completely or ruins the slice of life invaded by a particular sin.

Sin cannot be ignored. Pretending that sin does not exist or that specific sins are not too bad makes for unhealthy spiritual life. “We lie, not practicing the truth, or we deceive ourselves not having the truth in us” (1 John 1:6,8). So every congregation must decide how to deal with sin. Instruction should be given on how individual Christians can keep up a sin eradication program. Guidelines should be published regularly on handling sin conflicts. The congregation needs to know how moral failures will be approached by the leadership, even if the details must be left private.

A framework for handling conflicts should reflect God’s character. If only one or two of God’s characteristics are highlighted, a warped solution would result. On the one hand, stressing God’s grace and love to the exclusion of His righteousness and justice excuses sin without requiring apology or any other form of repayment. Yet on the other hand, stressing His righteousness and justice gives no opportunity for forgiveness and restoration. In a similar way if we as humans forget God’s greatness, we take too much on ourselves. We can easily slip into a mode of quick answers (forgetting God’s eternal nature) or assumed information (forgetting God’s omniscience and wisdom).

A framework for handling conflicts should also reflect Christian character. Genuine spiritual maturity, being “above reproach,” is essential (1 Tim 3:1-7). Maturity must be based on deep humility and a realistic understanding of one’s own sin. Anyone “spiritual” enough to “restore” others (Galatians 6:1) must, by definition, work from a humble standpoint. Genuine sacrificial love is essential as well. We are to treat one another carefully, as brothers and sisters (1 John 4:20-5:1) and as “one anothers” who “look out for the interests of others “(Phil 2:1-4).

Finally, while acknowledging the existence of sin, deep sin, any framework should reflect the power of God to change people. All parties -- leaders, friends, offender, offended -- must have a positive expectation of what our Lord will eventually do. He came to give life “abundantly” (John 10:10). Sometimes human efforts are frustrated, and a congregation must give up trying to help an individual, effectively “delivering one to Satan” (1 Corinthians 5:5). Yet this result must be our last resort. Even here the outlook must always be hopeful, “so that the spirit may be saved in the day of our Lord Jesus” (5:5). Great good can be accomplished with spiritual determination.

The world will judge us on how we treat one another. A church that treats sinners harshly will find itself without sinners, filled with people who perform well on the outside but full of “dead men’s bones” (Matthew 23:27-28) on the inside. A church that treats sinners lightly will find itself empty of power, the life-changing grace of God having fled, not being needed. Instead the call comes “to repent” lest our Lord “wars against us with the sword of His mouth” (Revelation 2:13-16). A church that sincerely works at this task (and “task” it is) will find itself sought out by people of all kinds who are in deep trouble. May we have the courage to trust in our Lord to confront and to forgive.

1.) Our God will bring complete peace. We can not work complete peace now. Conflict between Christians hurts horizontal and vertical relationships. Believers should resolve significant issues as quickly as possible. “If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (Matthew 5:21-26). We cannot, of course, fix every small conflict. Many must simply be forgotten. “The peace of Christ” is “to rule in [our] hearts,” a peace to which we were called together (Colossians 3:15).

2.) Our God is Lord. No human can make that claim. We must confront one another with gradually increasing measures. First, one concerned person is to challenge. Then a second is to go as a witness who knows the facts. Finally the entire congregation may become involved. The united decision assumes the Spirit’s guidance throughout the process and so reflects God’s previous decision. “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private.... If he does not listen, take one or two more with you.... If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile.... Whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven (Matthew 18:15-18).

3.) Our God is all-knowing. We are not. Accusations must be investigated. One person’s word can never be accepted as the only word. This is true of accusations against spiritual leaders. “Do not receive an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses” (1 Timothy 5:19). This is true also of accusations against a new believer. “A single witness shall not rise up against a man on account of any iniquity” (Deut 19:15-21).

4) Our God loves perfectly. We do not. Partiality of any kind must be resisted. We can not show preference due to personality, wealth, race, nationality, friendship, personal sympathies, or any number of other factors. “You shall not show partiality in judgment; you shall hear the small and the great alike. You shall not fear man, for the judgment is God’s” (Deuteronomy 1:16-17). We are never to hold our faith “in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism” (James 2:1).

5.) Our God is eternal. We are not. Time should be built into almost any situation, in some cases many months. Time is needed to talk to parties involved. Time is needed between the steps of confrontation, even if only to allow opportunity for repentance. In fact we may never have enough information to make a decision. “The sins of some are quite evident, going before them to judgment; for others, their sins follow after” (1 Timothy 5:24-25). We must be content with His ultimate justice.

. 6.) Our God is irresistibly gracious. We are not. We must face the possibility of failure. All our efforts may not “save a soul from death” (James 5:19-20). We may eventually need to cut off contact with a “brother” or “sister” in Christ. “I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person...- not even to eat with such a one” (1 Corinthians 5:1-5, 11-13 Note: “eat” may refer to communion, the purpose of contact should not be on a fellowship level of mutual Christian faith.)

7.) Our God is inexhaustibly gracious. We must try to be gracious through Him. True repentance involves an inner change. “Rend your heart and not your garments” (Joel 2:12-14, 2 Corinthians 7:8-11). True repentance requires true forgiveness in reply.. “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4). Yet we must on our own part forgive, even if repentance is not present (Matthew 6:12).

8.) Our God is holy. We must try to be through Him. Our society is moving away from Christian principles. The uniqueness, the specialness, of our God and His laws means less and less to the people around us. Truth of any kind is in short supply as is even the desire for truth. We are called to analyze carefully the direction of our society to see how it affects us. “As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts...but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves in all your behavior” (1 Peter 1:13-15).

9.) Our God is glorious. We are not. “Give glory to the Lord, the God of Israel, and give praise to Him” (Joshua 7:13-21) Whether in the right or in the wrong our desire should be to honor our Lord. Admittedly all these things will not be easy. Resolution of conflict is often an art, needing great hearts. Yet the name of our Lord is worth our effort.

Realizing wide variation in sin situations, leadership should follow this pattern of decision making :

1.) Rumor stage -- Leadership may take note of rumors but should generally ignore this level of knowledge. Either gossip or genuine concern may be involved. If significant sin is present, good friends and family must be given opportunity to work through the situation. People in general should be encouraged to be patient and kind, especially with comments.

2.) Accusation stage -- Sin is public. Leadership has been informed through direct or indirect accusation. Steps must be taken to discover the truth of the accusations. Persons close to the situation as well as the accused and accuser(s) should be allowed opportunity to explain. Grace and gentleness are essential in this step. Harshness may prejudge an innocent person or may scare off a guilty conscience ready to repent.

3.) Decision stage -- The sifting process is over temporarily. The people involved have made decisions, and leadership must respond. This may mean removal from office, removal from membership, requiring professional counseling, vindication, or any number of alternatives. Either grace or law may take the lead.

4.) Resolution stage -- While this stage may not come in this life, some end to the situation is determined. A person may leave the church by the church’s request or by their own choice. “Good standing” may continue or be restored. Whatever the case, the congregation moves on, always leaving the door open.

One final grace note may be in order. We tend to want revenge. We tend to want to “force” change on an individual. Such attempts are doomed to fail at bringing any lasting good. While we must label sin accurately and take steps appropriate to protect or punish, even these actions must be carried out with grace. “If your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:20-21).

CASE STUDY #1

A young couple, both with liberal church backgrounds, begins attending an evangelical church. They come with two children and have a third after a few years. They are welcomed and develop a number of good friends. While never becoming members, they do attend regularly and participate in a variety of activities, including small group studies.

With all three children in school, the family shows some disturbing tendencies. The wife eventually confides in her friends a pattern of abuse by her husband. They enlist the pastor for advice. He gives them a standard questionnaire on domestic abuse. The level is moderate, primarily emotional and verbal abuse. Over a period of time several strategies are developed to change the situation, including: mature Christians for both husband and wife to talk to, a safe room in the house to go to when abuse is threatened, families in the church who will offer temporary shelter, and the number of an abuse shelter for emergencies.

As the marriage deteriorates, the husband confesses Christ. Discussions reveal a pattern of fairly severe physical abuse in his family. He believes he is a much better husband and father than his own father was. Efforts continue to work out differences, but eventually the wife decides to take her children to the abuse shelter. She is there two months before the husband discovers the location. He has been somewhat frantic during these weeks, not knowing what has happened to his family, although receiving reassurances from the police.

The wife divorces her husband. She leaves the area, returning to her home town with the children. The husband eventually follows, wanting to be near his kids. She has an affair with a salesman and moves out west to be near him, breaking up his family in the process. Due to the custody agreement with her husband, she leaves the children with her ex.

After several years the man and his sons return to the area near the church and once again begin attending. He finds a new romantic interest, a woman whose two previous husbands committed adultery. The church performs a simple outdoor ceremony at their house and once again welcomes a “new” family into their midst.

Before long old patterns reassert themselves. The “new” wife seeks help for verbal and emotional abuse. She does not feel physically threatened in any way but is frequently subject to vile language and threats of divorce. Most seem to arise from tense work situations, and reports come in from their business where workers are verbally abused. The couple has a small circle of friends, and each has solid people to share with individually.

This marriage also ends in divorce. The children from the first marriage, now at an older age, are tired of Dad’s tirades and opt to live with “first” mom. Before long the man has a new romantic interest....

CASE STUDY #2

An older Christian couple, long time residents of an area, begins attending an evangelical church. They had been involved in a fairly legalistic congregation for years but seem to be ready for a less rigid expression of Christianity. Before long they become members of the congregation, and the husband is involved in teaching adult Sunday school.

A year or two passes, and cracks appear in the marriage. The pastor is consulted a number of times. He refers the couple to several professional Christian counselors in the area, and they also search further, taking advantage of some excellent resources. They have access to people in the congregation who are willing to listen and advise as much as possible.

The situation deteriorates, the husband reporting a number of attacks by his wife. New discussions reveal a seriously troubled woman. She has been hospitalized once and has been on a variety of drugs for over two decades. The trouble in their marriage began early, after only a year or two of life together. The husband reports one occasion when he awoke to find his wife standing in the doorway to the children’s room with a knife in her hand. Now several times a year he experiences unreasonable demands, tirades, and constant pressure over several days and nights.

With some obvious mental problems involved, the church designs “space” for both parties. The wife has an aunt still living with whom she can spend a day or two when tensions rise. The husband is given several places to stay for a weekend or even longer. The children encourage him to separate and live with one of them, but he declines.

After fifty-five years of marriage, the man’s health deteriorates. He needs a new hip and is on oxygen. He cannot protect himself any longer and decides to divorce his wife. They still attend the same church. They occasionally eat out together. Peace has finally come.